behind closed doors.
Behind Closed Doors.
These are some raw words from my heart to Jesus. They are talking about my struggle with pornography. My cry to Yeshua to save me. My night after night of crying use to be about my depression and brokenness over this sin. Now it is crying over how desperately I need Yeshua to save me. To help me endure.
“I cannot and will not stop this sin if you do not come help me.”
“I need you to come save me from myself. Nothing in me wants to open up to others. My heart does not want to give it up.”
These are the words I have cried out to Yeshua that have stuck to me the most. In my most helpless and weakest moments, I proclaim my undeniable inability to save myself. I’ve tried time and time again to do everything I can to save myself. But I simply can’t. I now see how beautiful His power is when its made perfect in weakness. Without screaming my weaknesses to Yeshua, His perfect power would have not laid upon me. These cries are the very cries that woke me up the next day as a new person. Someone who opened up to people, cries in front of others, and shares my fears with those who I can’t do life without. There is a newfound peace in my weakness because His power is right beside it; ready to destroy fears.
Below is a bigger cry for Jesus to come save me:
“Oh Yeshua, my thoughts wage war.
Some days it feels as though temptation is a long forgotten friend; not in the picture anymore.
Suddenly, out of the shadows, it comes upon me. Sharpening its swords, blowing its horns, preparing to win over my heart; declaring war over the soul that has been reconciled to You.
Lies from the past try and proclaim to me who I am. One moment I have life spoken into me, the next I am being shredded into pure worthlessness.
Am I forgiven? Over and over again I slip into deception. My heart hates it one day, the next it doesn’t want anything else but to give in. Who can save me from me?
Oh Yeshua, Your name means to deliver. Your name is to rescue. Your name means to save. You are salvation.
Only You and You alone can save me. Yeshua, only You can deliver me. Yeshua, save me from myself. Oh Yeshua, Your sheep needs You! Come rescue Your Bride!
I toss and turn, defeat is hiding behind me; ready to say who I am. How am I to endure such suffering? It feels as though I am going insane. My insides are screaming.
But by grace you have taught me well. To stand on my feet. To walk through Your escape route. To surrender my will and desires - for You always know better. You have brought friends close to help me. You have brought those who have won the battle to bare this with me. Thank You.
Jehovah Shalom, You bring peace to my thoughts. You bring endurance to my heart. I will run the race. I will fight the good fight. You say take heart; indeed I will. For there is no fear in Your love. Yeshua, You are always faithful. You have overcome, I confidently will too.”