Starting off deep.
I am so pumped and excited to pursue growing this blog and the things I have been through and am going through to draw you to Christ. So, WHY NOT START IT OFF WITH A BIG BANG HAHA. This post I will talk about my past struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. It's only a portion of my testimony and I know I will share more of it when the time comes to do so. So here we go:
I have always been a positive person. As I grew up, I would hear stories of those who had committed suicide or dealing with depression. I always told myself after hearing those kinds of stories, “I will never allow myself to get like that.” I was always someone who, whenever I got sad, would confront my sadness and find the root of what it was. I had always seemed to figure out the problem, solved it quickly, and returned back to being the weirdo that I am. But things changed when college started.
College was this new, exciting, and unknown adventure ahead of me. I was eager (but also shy) with this new journey of college. But it quickly had its turn for the worse. I got stuck into deep sin that I could not seem to get out of. The worse part, I liked it. We’re sinners, we would be fools to say we didn’t enjoy our sin here and there. But the consequences of it quickly came rushing in.
Depression hit me for the first time and it wrecked me. Self-worth began to shatter in front of me. I remember one day going to the bathroom in my dorm room. As I was washing my hands, I looked directly in the mirror, and immediately had a panic attack — I didn’t know who I was anymore. The more and more I tried to look at myself directly in the eyes, more tears began rolling down — Deep, heart-aching, body shaking tears that I could not bare. I had lost all sense of self-worth. I had no idea who I was anymore and the worse part was that I felt like I couldn’t get out of it. So I thought about suicide. Now remember in the beginning where I use to be someone who said I’d never let myself get like that. HAHA. What a foolish, prideful person I was thinking my strength was within myself. But we’ll get back to the strength part later.
As the year continued, all this depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety attacks worsened. I eventually became dead inside to anything that had to do with emotion and God. I was shoving God as far away as I could. I could taste and see that He was good — but the grip of sin at the time was too strong for me. I enjoyed my sin. But also knew it was the very thing that was killing me. Somehow, only by the grace of God, I was released from these horrific things. The summer after freshman year, I stopped playing tug of war and FULLY gave my life to Jesus. I got baptized on July 10 that summer and I haven’t looked back.
Now, I have found my strength. I would be stupid to say that I didn’t deal with depression after giving my life to Christ. Or that I haven’t thought about ending my own life. News flash: Satan doesn’t just go away after you give your life to Christ. But this time its different. This time I have power (Jesus). This time I am free. Jesus was with me and His Spirit was within me. The chains were broken, loosening, and I am no longer bound by these things. My strength is found in Him. The one who conquered. The one who overcame for me. I now know where my worth, value, strength, and joy is — in Jesus. I can fully testify that, after giving my life to Christ, I have never experienced more joy in my entire life. I have never felt more alive, more free, and more at peace — even though everything just became a lot harder. We’re fools to say that the Christian life isn’t hard. Endurance, obedience, surrender, and giving your life (every part of it) away to someone else (Jesus) isn’t very easy. Not that I’m saying there is no joy in it. There is endless joy in all of it. Like I said, we are weak, evil, and prideful people. But oh I have tasted and seen that God is good and it is WORTH IT. The depression is rare nowadays. The suicidal thoughts are even more rare. The funny thing is, when those rare times happen, its when I am directly neglecting my time with God and being crowded by the thing of the world. What has helped me is always putting the Lord before me (Psalm 16:8), every moment of every day, and letting my heart be open to Him. The more He abides in you, the less room there is for things not of Him.
I encourage you with this: Christ is your joy. Christ is your freedom. Christ is your hope. There is NO chains that the blood of Jesus cannot break. There is nothing you are stuck in at this very moment HE cannot carry you out of. Christ died for you. Christ bled for you. To become our peace. To become the one who can carry your burdens and brokenness. Today, I plead with you as you read this, give your life to Christ. If you already have, give MORE. Surrender more. Fight for this great love that cannot be contained. He is ready to give you life and give it abundantly. For your own sake, lose your life to find it. No depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks can overcome the power that is in the name of Jesus.
Anchor yourself in Him and I promise that Jesus will give you rivers of joy. You will know that all that you are is found in Him. Depression has been conquered through His blood. Lets trust that the One who created us also knows how to satisfy our soul.
I hope to have deeper and more intentional posts as the weeks go by. I pray that God will grow my writing, wisdom, and love for encouragement. That it would not be me talking to you, but Jesus.
All for the sake of His name.
Psalm 107:9 - “For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." (one of my favorite verses cause OH ITS SO GOOD, READ IT AGAIN).